Full Explosion
by Emma Barrows
Summary: Who knew 'natural' gas could be flamable?


Full Explosion

"Hey Hermione? Did Professor Snape say what we're going to be learning in Potions today?" asked Ronald Weasley as he, Hermione Granger and Harry Potter headed down the corridor toward the entrance to the dungeon.

"I think the Feron Potion," Hermione replied as they trotted down the stairs. "We've got to light a match under our cauldrons for that one."

"Let's just pray that no one farts," Ron muttered.

Harry burst out laughing at that.

"Hogwarts would probably explode if you ever passed biological toxins," Hermione replied. "Not to mention kill every student with in miles."

Harry only laughed harder.

They entered the Potions classroom and took their seats.

Hermione was sitting beside Harry and Ron was sitting behind them with Neville Longbottom.

On the other side of the dungeon, were the Slytherins. Draco Malfoy, Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle smirked as they entered the class next and took their usual seats.

"Oh look," Malfoy said in a tone pretending to be pointing out some weird creature to a child. "There's the Mudblood, the Potty and the Weasel from the same idiots sapiens gene pool."

"Ooh look," Harry shot back. "It's the female counterpart from the Ugly and Dumb-gender-confused gene pool."

Ron snorted and Hermione bit her lip to keep from laughing.

Professor Snape entered the classroom and silence.

"Today we'll be learning the Feron Potion. Please take precautions when lighting the base of your cauldron," Professor Snape instructed.

He waved his wand at the blackboard and writing appeared.

"Copy these notes down before you light anything,"

Immediately, Hermione began writing down the instructions. Harry was jotting them down as well.

"I swear one of these days his gender will catch up with him," Harry muttered bitterly. "Then we'll see who wears the briefs or thongs."

Hermione snorted at this and kept her eyes on the parchment.

"If he wears a thong, I feel sorry for that thong. Imagine the sight it must get every day,"

"Yeah," Harry said choking down laughter. "What a crack it is."

Hermione giggled and had to bury her head in her arms. She giggled hard.

"I thought that was more like the Grand Canyon Dad always talks about in the United States," Ron whispered leaning forward.

Hermione giggled harder and had a hard time writing the rest of the instructions.

"Now that you've jotted down the instructions it's time to light the cauldrons,"

Hermione reached for the box of matches and pulled one out. She closed the box and at that moment, Harry let out a really loud raspberry sound that sounded like someone deflating a balloon.

"NOOOOOO!" Ron howled behind them.

It all happened in slow motion. Hermione struck the match and a small flame appeared on the tip. The next thing they knew, the Potions dungeon exploded.

Once the smoke and flames subsided, the interior of the room was singed. Ron coughed and a small black cloud of smoke came from his mouth.

Hermione's hair was smoked and standing backwards on end.

"Well," Harry said also covered in soot and smoke. "Potions was a real blast."

They looked over at Malfoy. His robe was singed in several 'inappropriate' areas.

"I think that's enough for one day," Snape said coughing too.

They headed out of the classroom.

Snape began cleaning up the room once the students had left.

"Bloody boy is a toxic nightmare," he was muttering. "One fart destroyed the Potions room…thank God he didn't have beans or Hogwarts would be nothing more than an empty shell by now."

"I'm La La," a voice said from somewhere in the closet.

Snape stood up confused.

"Who said that?"

"I'm lovable," the voice continued. "Open the closet door."

Confused and a little angry as it probably was nothing more than a student playing a prank, Snape opened the closet door and staggered backward.

It was a purple Teletubbie.

"I wuv you Snapie!" the Teletubbie said opening its arms for a hug.

Snape screamed and slowly backed out of the singed dungeon room, but the Teletubbie kept coming for him.

"MUMMMIEEE!" Snape howled as he tore off down the corridor.

Once Ron, Hermione and Harry had changed their clothes and cleaned up, they headed to dinner only to bump into Snape running in blind terror down the corridor.

"What's his problem?" Ron asked.

They got their answer as the Teletubbie came into view.

"Bloody hell," Harry said wide-eyed. "I know of those things. Scary as hell they are."

Ignoring the trio, the Teletubbie kept after Snape.

"Wonder why he's so terrified of it?" Hermione mused.

"Dunno," Ron said shrugging. "Maybe on of them probed him?"

Harry burst out laughing.

"They aren't aliens, Ron," Hermione said frowning.

Ron's expression turned serious.

"Do we really know that?" he said in a whisper. "I mean really? Do we know where they come from?"

Hermione shook her head.

They could hear Snape's cries echoing down the entire corridor.

They headed to dinner and hungrily began digging into the food. Much to their belief, Snape wasn't at dinner at the Head table.

"Where's Snapie Poo?" Fred asked.

"Being chased by a Teletubbie," Ron said.

"You're joking?" George asked.

They shook their heads.

"This I've got to see," Fred and George got up from the table and left the Hall.

"You really destroyed the Potions room," Hermione said frowning at Harry.

"Me? All I did was pass wind," Harry said. "YOU LIT A MATCH."

"Had you not passed wind, nothing would've happened,"

"And would you have liked me to say, 'Oh excuse me I need to fart can you please hold off lighting the match because the place might go KABOOM'?" Harry demanded.

"What did you eat for breakfast anyway?"

"What everyone else ate," Harry said defensively. "And why are you so angry? It was a natural bodily function. I'm sure you've done it."

Hermione didn't reply and Harry took that as a yes.

"Ahh, so the great and powerful Hermione has expelled natures' most infamous natural disasters hasn't she?" Harry said wisely.

"Enough," Hermione replied sharply and she continued to eat.

News of Professor Snape's lovely new 'boyfriend' spread around the castle like wildfire.

He still hadn't shown up for classes and by dinner time again that night, they were actually worried about him.

"Hey, Harry? Before we go searching for him, why don't we take a nice hot bath? I heard there's a new hot tub in the bathroom," Ron suggested eagerly.

"Sure," Harry said shrugging.

Hermione headed off to the library and Harry and Ron headed off to the bathroom.

They stripped down to their shorts and slipped into the tub.

Shortly after awhile, bubbles started to rise to the surface.

"This feels nice and relaxing," Harry said sighing contently.

"Same here," Ron said closing his eyes blissfully.

"I wonder where Snape is? What happened to him?" Ron asked.

"Dunno. But we really should find him though," Harry said. "The other teachers are starting to worry also but they don't know about the Teletubbie."

Ron nodded.

Just then, Hermione entered the bathroom.

"Want to join us?" Ron asked looking up at her.

"No thanks," she replied. "I just came to tell you that they found Snape."

"Ooh, where?" Harry asked.

"Down in the kitchens. He was hiding under a table shivering and muttering about that Teletubbie. Madam Pomfrey's fixing him up now. But no sight of the Teletubbie," she replied.

"Maybe it was a Boggart?" Ron suggested.

"That's what I'm thinking," Hermione said. "We've got to ask him where it came from first."

"Let's go then," Ron said as he climbed out of the tub.

Hermione relaxed when she realized that both he and Harry had shorts on, but that's not what had her worried.

The minute Ron climbed out of the tub, the bubbles had stopped.

Ron pulled on his robe and uniform hurried out of the bathroom.

Harry looked in the direction Ron went, then back at the now still water, then at Hermione.

"I'm out," Harry said and quickly scrambled out of the hot tub.

Hermione's face was filled with amusement and disgust.

Harry quickly got dressed.

They left the bathroom.

Professor Snape was in the hospital wing. He was still shivering and looking around in fear.

"Has he said much?" Hermione asked Madam Pomfrey.

"No," she said shaking her head.

"Can we try to talk to him?" Ron asked.

"Of course,"

Hermione, Ron and Harry headed over to their teacher. It felt a bit weird but Hermione cleared her throat and leaned close to Professor Snape.

"P-Professor? Where did that Teletubbie come from?" she asked in a soothing voice.

"C-closet," Snape stammered. "Wanted to hug me…scared the poo out of me."

"Bingo," Ron said snapping his fingers. "A Boggart no less."

Snape pulled the covers up over his head and shivered more.

"He'll be alright," Madam Pomfrey said reassuringly. "I'm giving him a Symel Potion. He'll be fine in a few hours."

They left the hospital wing and headed to the common room.

"Erm, Ron?" Harry began. "We still didn't find out why he was afraid of the Teletubbie."

"More than likely it was something from his childhood," Hermione said. "Maybe something happened?"

"That could very well be yep," Ron nodded.

They headed to their dorms later on and then fell into a deep sleep.

The next morning was Saturday. Everyone eagerly went off to do their own thing.

Hermione pulled Harry aside.

"You do know that that hot tub was broken right?" she whispered.

Harry's eyes widened.

"Um, now I do," he said.

Realization dawned on his face.

"AW MAN! THAT IS JUST GROSS!" he howled as he and Hermione began walking again.

"And you talk about me passing wind in the Potions classroom!" Harry said turning to Hermione. "What about Ron? HE JUST GAVE ME A BUBBLEBATH WHEN THE TUB WAS BROKEN!"

Hermione bit her bottom lip to keep from laughing.

"Trust me, he'll get spoken to,"

Harry was clearly amused but disgusted at the same time.

"Why don't you ask him what he had for breakfast huh? Or dinner for that matter," Harry said.

"Harry? There's something you should know,"

"What?"

"I just passed wind,"


End file.
